THE NO JUDGE CHALLENGE

Social medias have been flooded with teenagers with fake eyebrows, acne, moles and blacked-out teeth, all for the new viral social medial trend called the "Don't Judge Challenge." It all started out when a beauty blogger Em Ford began posting images of herself without makeup on social medias. Throughout the clip, she received criticism with or without makeup, ending the video with her naked face with a fetching slogan beside 'You're beautiful". Ever since, the social medias have been overflown with teenagers trying their best to look hilariously ugly with too much make up and ending the video with their 'originally' and 'attractive' face. I believe what they think they're doing is to criticism the social media users that they are too fast to judge one by his/her cover, that they only evaluate a person on the first sight of the appearance and that this behavior should be stopped immediately. 

If you'd asked me, I'd say this is a whole load of bullshit. 

With the advancement and popularity of apps and social medias, it has become too common for the people, with easy access, to express whatever they think they're expressing with pictures and words. Im not saying this is bad thing. This is what we get in this generation and we live with it. However I have to say, yes you have the right to upload whatever you want to on the social medias, you do, you do have the right. come on it's free why not! but from here you do actually give the right to the people who saw your uploads to give whatever comments they want to give. you give them the right to tap double time on that selfie. OR NOT. same, the right to comment.

even if their comments are mean and horrible and nasty, believe it or not, they have the right. because you gave it to them. They don't HAVE TO like you, honestly. and they can NOT LIKE you. and they have the right to express it. you can feel hurt or heartbroken or criticized but they have the right to do so. and dont go pitying yourself like you're the victim of the cruel reality of the dark world. because a. you're the one who put yourself in this situation. you're the one who upload that photo right. pfft. and b. you do the same thing. dont lie. you do. everyone does. this is what we do. we comment. no matter if that person has the knowledge that you commented, you did comment. the only bad thing about social medias is that we have the knowledge. that's why you go crying lah because you know mah.

we social media users we have a problem. we assume we have every right to upload every shits that we can. we upload nice selfies, we upload naked backs and butts, we upload our daddy's money, we upload our lamborghini, and yet we can't stand one hate comment. one comments 'you're ugly', you go running into your mommy's arms and sob. bitch please. let me give you a piece of advice k. if you decided to upload your photos or status, please bear in mind that there's a possibility that somebody is not going to like it. and please please please if you can't stand it, then don't freaking upload. because how can like this de, you upload and yet don't let me comment oh, what? i have to like you is it, no logic here mah. and keep in mind you cannot ask people to not hate comment okay. it's like pooing in the middle of the road and not let people hold their noses. even if its your account, you don't have the right, it's instagram who provides comment button, instagram has the right. go email lah! ask them to filter your comments. pay them lah.

Im not being mean here. I used to be like this. I used to not upload photos in my instagram, it's not that i don't use it. i have an account and i used it to stalk celebrities and my friends. i dont upload because i dont like the idea of giving the right to people to judge about my appearance. and given time when i realised i actually don't give a shit about what people think (of my appearance that is, if you have any comments on my personality, please dont be shy to let me know), i started uploading. because a. why not. i like the idea of letting friends and families know what i had been up to. and b. it's pretty hard not to. especially when your friends got you in the right angle hahahahaha lol. but im open to nasty comments because i don't really care. so, my piece of advice. only if you don't care, otherwise, dont upload. don't give them the rights. 

back to the "The No Judge Challenge" issue. If you'd asked me, I'd say its a whole load of bullshit. oh did i say this before. sorry its so frustrating that it deserves a second mention.

and disclaimer im not pointing fingers here. (i dont even care to elaborate because i see no good in this but whatever lah otherwise people go sueing me later) here here is your disclaimer ok. i believe some are doing this with a pure intention lah ok, whatever they think that is. and if you think you're one of the pure intentioners, then don't bother reading the rest. go sleep, put your mask on.

but the others i really cannot. i really can't ok. you think you're just following the trend (which i believe most are), you think you're criticizing the whole 'judging a book by its cover' matter, you think you're..i don't even know what you think. because honestly, what are you thinking. how can you do this whole no judge challenge video in the first place, walao because you have a pretty face mah. im not talking about girls here im talking about boys too. you have the potential to do this, because you already have a pretty face to show in the end of the videos. because you ALREADY IS PRETTY k. wtf. if bottom from the heart you think you're not pretty what for you do this, only those with the potential to make people jump in the end can criticize people for judging too quickly. but hey i don't mind. i really dont mind you guys think you're pretty. because you really are. and if you have the confidence, why not.

but if you're doing this with the pretty banner up in the air that you're doing this to boost teens' self esteem woohoo, i suggest you fuck off.

because it freaking does not work that way k. it only lowered others' self esteems. because why. only you pretty faces can do this. you're the boss. you're the cute chicks. when we see the videos, we get even sadder and low, because whats the freaking point. we still see pretty faces in the end. because thats the only point of the videos. thats what makes people jump. but hey im not saying that you cannot post, you can. but please, don't post it thinking you're helping out with the self esteem thing, because it honestly does not. dont go enhancing your own face while intimidating others, its honestly disgusting.

i see a gap in the world, a gap between confident and inferior. these days, those who think they are pretty think they are like damnnnnnnnn pretty and those who think they are not pretty think they are like damnnnnnnnnnn ugly. its true! those who think they are fat think they are damnnnnn fat but actually its just a belly and flappy arms honestly come on. not one girl is fat okay, we're just not skinny. but being not skinny doesn't mean we're fat. theres a difference, a huge one. same goes to the those who think you're ugly, you're not come on. your nose is still there right, you still have two eyes, how can you be ugly lah omg. we're just not megan-fox-pretty but that doesn't make us ugly.

with all the social medias thing, with all the celebrities and the models and the pretty peoples, its not easy to not think that we're not pretty enough. and we put a heavy weight on that. because society puts a heavy weight on appearance. and yes, i admit, it does. but come on i understand why. if i get to choose between zac efron and other average boys, i'd choose zac efron as well. it's normal. its fine. but ITS NOT FINE if you're showing the pretty and nice cover page saying that you're helping out with the 'don't judge the book by its cover' thing but actually all you did is made people jump with your pretty faces in the end and thus making others inferior even more. i called this silent cyber intimidating and you actually disgust me.

and for those of you who thought you're just following trends and acted all innocent, please la play social medias game with brains. you have one right, use it. think first. step away from your glittery mirror for once and actually think. in others' shoes.

for once.

患难见真情

题目取的够老土就代表内容也很老土，请读者们有心理准备。原本打算写学期2的毕业感言，但是成绩还没下来都还不知道毕业的成吗还是不要先有太高的期望lol，而且哇老有够土哦什么毕业感言啊哈哈哈哈。

倒有件事情可以提提。

我这学期考试的时间足足比伯斯考试早了两个星期，就在我考前两个星期，这家伙病了。本来教堂崇拜好好的，突然就说头很晕，结果碰碰额头哇有够烫。他一病我就慌了，伤风感冒怎么分我都不知道，多久要吃panadol一次呢，发烧到底可不可以冲凉。什么都不知道，也不敢跟妈妈提起怕她担心，只能在牧师讲道的时候弯下腰google『伤风感冒怎么办』。

现在回想起来真的不记得自己帮忙干了什么，只记得蹲在床边看他睡觉拉紧他的棉被。明明就没掉可是就想拉拉，想帮忙做点事情。动不动就碰额头，总觉得很烫，虽然他一直辩说他体温本来就高。大哥人很好的从他房间也拿了棉被给他盖，说一定要流汗病才会好。我什么都不懂，就只会拼命煮水拿panadol泡vitamin c给他，害他跑了厕所好几趟。

照顾病人不难，照顾硬说自己没病的病人可是很崩溃的，这家伙不停地重复自己没病，真的要不是因为他生病了我真想拿他那脑袋儿撞墙算了。疯子也说自己没疯啊，醉鬼也说自己没醉啊，我也说我没爱你啊。这道理怎么就不懂呢靠，我觉得烫就是烫，难不成我脑袋傻了乱说话。反正最后他烧似乎退了，陪他吃了晚餐回去也快10点了，接了妈妈的电话被她骂说女朋友怎么做成这样，整个就是偏心。

事实证明他就是病了，我真的没傻了乱说话。证据就是一个星期后我被传染也病了。

真心太不舒服了。鼻涕整个就是流不完的感觉，也不知道那么小的鼻子怎么装得下那么多东东，头很晕。而且高烧一直不稳定，要么你就给我好好烧要么你就给我不要烧了，啊你这样一下很烧一下没事是哪一招。我是个很不喜欢看医生的人，不到万不得已我是不会自己踏进医生办公室的。但是这次真的离考试时间太近了，几乎到考试前夕我的病都还没好全，夕敏很霸道的一句『现在，去看医生』便拖着我的背包带想带我去看医生。我几乎是陪她倒退着走了整个校园找薰汶，现在想起来真的哈好想死。

看了医生回来吃了药以为要没事了，因为我自认身体非常强健lol干嘛我最近讲话都这么old school的，强健是什么鬼。总之我觉得自己的体质还不错，月事都有好好来，青春痘什么也不多（虽然不知道这有没有因果关系），只是皮肤不好而已，反正就是自我感觉不错啦ok。

隔天晚上，我觉得哇我生病好可怜哦，就煮了泡面犒赏自己lol，我觉得我整个人生逻辑都很不对。anyway吃了泡面吃了药，胸口开始很闷很痛呼吸变得稍微有点困难，起初我以为是泡面过期的原因or是自己的心理作用。接了妈妈打电话来，稍微提了胸口痛的事情，结果她很紧张。对母亲来说最难受的事情不是照顾个生病的孩子，而是孩子生病了自己却身处在无法照顾的地方。我立马说诶好像没有了，加上微笑，其实底下已经要死了的感觉。

真的太痛了的时候，我随便用了个理由挂了妈妈的电话，随手播了伯斯号码，说太痛了没办法呼吸怎么办。伯斯说『走，我们去看医生』我挂了电话开始找包包电话身份证，电话就响了。是这学期新朋友羚麻，我一接就说『我现在要去看医生，有什么事情我回来再说k』原本只是想打电话跟我讨论八卦结果被这么一个生死关头的情况塞住了，我真不知道她是怎么变化心情的。她反应很快问『怎么去』『搭德士吧』『不要傻啦你！去宿舍底楼站着，我这就来』我应了一句『不用了我...』电话就因为讯号不好断线了。她随后跟我提起这件事情说她当下真的疯了，她以为一定是我晕倒了所以松手电话掉进床底了什么的。在此奉劝大家不要看太多偶像剧，他没回你信息你就以为他妈妈出事了爸爸出事了奶奶出事了，现实生活中他只是睡着了没看到。


我坐进车里的时候，是最痛的时候，我记得我没办法坐直，只能靠在羚麻座椅背用嘴巴呼吸而且很喘。我在后头听到她们各自打电话回家『诶mother我慢点回去哦，我朋友不能呼吸我们送她去医院，对对eileen对就是宿舍的那个』当下半夜11点，我捂住胸口，连句谢谢都说不出口。羚麻驾车她很紧张，一直说『eileen你告诉我我要驾快还是驾慢，你可以耐快吗你ok吗？』现在想起啦真心辛苦她了。


到了医院的时候伯斯也到了，我嘱咐他先不准把事情告诉妈妈，有事了才说，没事的话说了她穷担心。薰汶扶我进A&E他们替我填了表格，医院帮我量了血压试了体温给了个号码牌就让我等着了。等的过程是漫长的，足足有了半个小时。在这半个小时的过程中，胸口的痛慢慢从不稳定到完全消失。这反而让我非常不安，阿这是要我还进去医生办公室还是不进去勒。我重复跟伯斯说『如果等下医生说我只是胃胀气或者是吃太多，我真的会去死』伯斯很冷静的看播着号码牌的电视银幕，碎碎念的说『去检查看下是不是denggi先』


进去办公室，医生替我抽了血，又让我出去等了。


在这期间，薰汶和羚麻看我没事了，她们也没事情做，就在医院半夜12点的在开始温习功课。在这里我要慎重的感谢这两个天使，半夜陪我在医院，明明我没事，虽然当下真的很痛，可是还是没事，她们却一句抱怨的话也没说，载我去医院还载我回家，任劳任怨没有疑虑。谢谢你们sniff sniff，你们的爱心会得到好报的。


反正检查出来我没事，血小板正常也没有骨头热证，你们不知道我当下多么无奈。虽然是不希望有什么，可是既然没什么，那我刚刚那么痛来干嘛；就是这种心情。伯斯比我理性说『还好不是骨头热证』


医药费出来的时候，我被天文数字吓呆了，嘴软的问柜台小姐『不好意思你说多少』她又重复了一次，旁边的伯斯眼皮都没眨的从他钱包掏出了钱先帮我垫着然后直线拉着我去柜台取药。我看着他很仔细的替我检查药看报告，撅着嘴我拉了拉他的手臂说『谢谢』他好似理所当然的说『没事，药收好』




我拉着他的手，看着前面走着的薰汶和羚麻，心里满满的感动默念『是好，是坏，是富，是穷，是健康，是疾病，直到』

灰

其实，很多事情没有对与错。

黑与白的世界好灰，自己跟自己灰；与自己的原则搏斗，与这个世界搏斗。其实好多事情根本没有绝对的对与错，没有绝对的黑与白。你看别人太假，殊不知别人情真；别人说你蛮横，殊不知你有傲气；你看我天真，殊不知是我在装傻。不一样的角度，看法就不一样。而不一样的人，处不来再正常不过。

你看着灰灰的天说这地方毁了好多段友情，我想说其实哪里都一样；你说高中的朋友才是真心朋友，我想说高中是我看清最多面具的地方；你说我人很好，我真的很想说可能只是我还没得罪你。没有什么事情是绝对的，没有情侣是真的永远分不开的，就像感情真的说变就变。一个星期以前，我想都不会想，也不敢想，今日的我们会走到今天这个地步。


你说他们好灰，其实我真的很想说其实最灰的是我。我明白你，也明白她；我明白你的生气，也明白她的无助。没有对与错，只是大家不一样。牡丹不明白莲花的淡雅，向日葵不明白玫瑰的艳丽；各花入各眼，是非亦在人心罢了。

乐观与悲观往往只差那么一丢丢，看似乐观，其实是因为我不在乎。我看过太多面具，背后说你的人说的话，有些真的可以让你害怕得发抖，然后隔天若无其事地出现在你面前，带着天真无暇的笑容问你没事吗。看似豁达，其实是因为我没抱着期望。承诺是什么，多么多山盟海誓的情侣隔天就分手了，好好稳稳的过每一天才是王道。黑与白往往只是一线之差。


没有人有这个责任呆在你身边一辈子，也不是所有的承诺都经得起时间的历练。所以若他留下了，爱吧，因为没有人有义务。他离开了，也不必要生气或难过，因为没有人有义务。心脏也就那么一颗，好好护着就不会太难受，好好护着就不会伤痕累累，留着爱那些留下来的人，因为没有人有义务。


这世界太黑与白就没了爱，而若没有爱，这世界又有什么意义。

下次会小心

开学才进入第六个星期，就已经不见三次东西是什么节奏，而且全都是身价家产的那种level。

第一次是钱包，在巴士上弄丢的，到sunway pyramid买东西要还钱了才发现靠老娘的包呢。打电话回去给巴士driver问钱包，driver说没有的时候我心就凉一半了。结果driver很好心说回来载我， 我上巴士找真的没有，很沮丧的当儿他很天使地说［我载你回去吧］。我崩溃地瘫坐回原本的位置，发信息给原本约好一起逛街的新汶说［不好意思，我先回去了］难过地在想身份证driving license一大堆怎么办的时候，不经意地往旁边不小心一瞟，这是什么呀这妈呀原来是夹在椅子和椅子之间的缝隙。整个15分钟的心情起起伏伏，真的是要了老娘的命。原本想说经历了这么大的事情还是回去安神吧，结果想了想拿起电话发信息［新汶，我冷静地想了想，麦片还是要买的，我这就回去］又请了司机drop我在sunway pyramid，我又去逛街了。你说，我这个人的人生伸缩力是不是很好哈哈哈。

第二次是student id和hostel卡，这次真的是莫名其妙不见的seriously哈哈哈我也不知道怎么不见的，总之就是莫名其妙，总之结局就是重做student id和hostel卡唉。想到还是沮丧。夕敏很会安慰人说［往好的方面想嘛，至少可以重拍student id的照片哈哈哈］真的是。

这次是电话唉很夸张对吧我多希望我在开玩笑。不小心把电话留在厕所，短短的五分钟之内，就这样从此再也不见了。想了还是难过真的很难过。果然没有什么是可以得到永远保证的，上一秒才用它自拍的，下一秒它就投入了另外一个人的口袋里；上个星期才上传闪爱照的情侣，下个星期可能就吵架分手了。什么结论这样的。这次电话不见发现了件趣事：其实，电话不见没有带来不便。想找的人还是找得到，即便没办法立刻联络上你也不怕，因为你知道他们不会走，我们已经不再是以前那个两分钟不回信息就闹脾气的年纪。

电话不见的隔天伯斯在K哩的命令下立刻带我去买电话。看完了youtube的电话review，摸完了整个百货公司的电话，我才慢慢拖拖地进去问价钱。一到那个counter，counter的小弟惊了一下［诶又是你］然后偷偷跟同样是员工的他哥哥说［就是她啦上次坑我］哈哈哈看来他没忘记上次三台90的事情。我听了他跟我分析所有手机的手机程式storage的那些我根本没有听不懂的东西过后，心里差不多有个底了我看着他哥哥我问［他是老板啊？］小弟说［不是，是我哥哥］［哦所以这家店是你们两兄弟的啦？］［对啊］我满意地点了头插手说［那就可以杀价了哦］小弟很害怕地说［哇你不是这样的哦］哈哈哈总之我是在人家店里闹了很久才甘愿点头买了手机。看着小弟帮我拆手机盒我问［诶你下次会不会放一张我的照片在这里然后写奥客不让我进来］他很可爱地说［有可能哦，我现在很累想回家休息了，我觉得今天做够了］在这里，我要郑重地想伯斯先生道谢，谢谢他带着个闹脾气的欧巴桑一整个早上竟然一句怨言都没有，maybe默默在心里翻了我很多次白眼hmmm。

换了手机号码，我只告诉了几个会打电话来的人，爸爸妈妈加上伯斯和班上的朋友，几乎两只手指都还绰绰有余。没有特别报告换电话是我一直到现在都还在在意的事情，可能有人真的有事情找我呢。可是想来，会有什么事情。网络的普及apps的兴起拉近了地方的距离，可人与人的距离又怎么会那么容易就变短呢。在面子书instagram上每天给你按赞的人其实没有真的参与你的生活吧。什么时候我们跟上了这世界每个角落的消息，却好像仍然活在自己的世界里。什么时候我们叫行动电话成了我们的身份证明，想想其实很恐怖吧，每个人都拥有一组自己的号码，没了就重新买，总之一定要有，为了证明我们还活着。

你别怕，我再糊涂再粗心大意，也会紧紧拉住你不丢了你。

唱K初体验

午饭饭桌上不知道哪只狗说［好想唱K哦］马上其他两个人眼睛像找到十年亲妈那样亮起来说［真的吗？走啦去啦现在诶？现在便宜啊拿学生卡就好了，走啦快吃吃完就去］说完立刻边拿起笔电挖出钱包边扬手叫服务生结账，我个KL菜鸟还搞不清楚状况，夹着鱼丸目瞪口呆地看他们已经在算零钱。

说走就走的节奏我很喜欢，不用我做任何的决定只要我穿的美美地出现就好。现在的性格刚刚好对上夕敏和薰汶的节奏，她们不喜欢人家问太多，叫了出现就对了。果然真的，三分钟过后我们已经在停车场暴晒在火球底下找车子。

去玩的步伐和去上课的步伐是不一样的，夕敏和薰汶整个就是飞蹦进K房，西嘿说我［诶你表达下你的兴奋诶你第一次来耶］翻了白眼真心觉得他根本就是个带着三个女儿去迪斯尼乐园的爸爸。K房比想象中的小，在电影里看到的都好大，果然电影将一切都美化了，其实现实中K房很小麦克风也很常卡卡没有声音而且饮料也很难喝哈哈。


不知道大家唱K是不是都是这样的行程，先找好自己的位置把脚折好外套盖好大腿找到最舒服的位置，一半的人开始问wifi密码另一半的人开始问饮料菜单有什么，遗漏的那一个已经迅速地点好了整三排的歌。我没有唱过K，静静地看他们手忙脚乱，自己煞风景地在那里玩1010!想破夕敏最高纪录。整三排近30首的歌，几乎有一半以上的我都不会唱，这是一个有趣的点：其实来了K房大家还是爱唱老歌。经典的还是老歌，好唱的还是老歌，最美的还是初恋。lol这是什么结论。


一开始先来emo歌，那些年和你不知道的事这两首一下我就已经哭得不像话。夕敏一手搂住我的肩旁一手握着麦克风眼睛没有离开过荧幕，我倒在她的手臂中任由眼泪洒花了脸，我发现其实没有所谓的真的放下或真的忘记，只是大家选择了继续过日子。即便现在的我真的很幸福真的开心，其实每个人深处都有个难过的死穴。美丽的回忆其实都已经模糊，我们根本就不记得了第一次心动在什么时候，然而当时受伤时深刻的愧疚和委屈其实大家是记得的，只不过平常太开心所以我们忘记了我们还记得。K房的情歌在这时扮演了一个好朋友的角色，其实现实真的没多委屈，但是好朋友一句［你还好吗，我都在呢］一瞬间你声泪俱下，只因你觉得有人明白有人懂你。情歌真的是个杀人不眨眼的职业杀手。


或许是看到有人哭了满足感有了，emo歌渐渐换成了嗨歌，看着薰汶和西嘿两个人在沙发上跳上跳下地撕破喉咙一边拉着我的袖子让我一起站，我又发现了另外一个事情。


有这样的朋友其实不错吧，能够让你安心唱歌即便你五音不准走音走到完没有节奏感节拍跟不上，但她仍然拼命地把麦克风传给你说［快快你的歌］让你知道即便你真的唱歌不好听她还是爱你。有这样的朋友其实还不错吧，能够让你安心唱歌即便你心里清楚你已经破音了下意识瞄向她的时候她却神色自若完全没受影响继续盯着荧幕不让你尴尬不让你难过。我是幸福的，诶她们也是好不好。这两个贱货昨晚集体不洗头，两个人头油油的不赶紧回家洗头还拉我出来唱K哈哈我可是一句话都没说。


自己哭了不甘心也要害别人哭可能也是一个唱K病态。眼见时间就要到了就我一个人哭了实在不开心。［让开，我要选歌了］歌曲一出来夕敏就大崩溃［你干嘛点A-lin的歌啊！］哈哈这就是我要的反应。唱完了给我一个理由忘记紧接着西嘿散场的拥抱，夕敏整个精神虚脱两粒眼睛哭得红红鼓鼓的一边拉墙上的纸巾一边咒骂我。又是一个忘记自己还记得的受害者。

只能说亲爱的，谢谢你的出现免去了我需要懂得情歌有多难过的必要。

it's just not the same

i say myself as a very adaptable person, situation-wise. i can live with everything. anything. either i found life just merely unmeaningful and we're just citizens of heaven passing through here or in some words, they call me strong. but only i know neither of them is true.

because there's some things in life that you just can't live without.

my mom once asked me why did i choose this particular life. i said i didn't choose, it just happened. i believe in some areas, human just doesn't get to actually choose. it just happens. and you live it. because no matter if you wanna accept it or not, life doesn't give a shit. and it's up to you to choose to live it or to live it. heh there's no much of a choice isn't it because even if you don't want to, life still goes on. 

but i guess i was wrong. 

because even as i like to imagine ourselves to be heartless and frozen, the heart still beats. and the tears are real. even as i like to imagine myself to be the strongest and cold-hearted bitch around. it's just not the same. the whole city is different, not because of the amazing structure of the city buildings or the jam and honk the morning gets every day. it's different in you guys not being here. and it breaks my heart. every single time i realize that. 

because i imagine myself to be an adaptable person. i thought i could do this. because i love it here. there's great friends and a beautiful school and i get to wear boldly every morning. but it's just not the same. because the heart still beats. and even when we thought we were happy about this and we could live a new experience and it was a new exposure etc etc, there still will be those nights. where there were no stars. and the people outside your hostel room were shouting and chit-chatting loudly about the nonsense that no one should give a shit and you looked out into the dark in the midst of writing your notes. and you started to cry. 

heh it's silly isn't it. the last time i cried home-sicked, the thunders were rolling. and i was sick. and the only place on earth then that was isolated from the storm is in my mother's arms. but i didn't call back home. because i know she missed me more. and that call would eventually break her heart. i didn't want her to know that her little girl wasn't doing good. i didn't want her to know that her little girl was crying over a stupid cold and the rain. i didn't want her to know that her little girl was growing up parting from her. because i'll always be her daughter, even though we're drifting away days by days. 

for the first time in a really long time, i don't really want the life to goes on. i don't mind sticking here. when i have everyone i'll ever needed. when my parents were still here. and i still get to be their spoiled brat and their favourite pain in the ass. when i don't need to grow up and spend more nights without my mom. because even though right now i know already that some things are drifting apart days by days, and some people just have to go, i don't think i'll ever be ready. 

because there's some things in life that you just can't live without. sorry i'll correct that. there's nothing in life that you can't live without. but you'll live on with a broken heart. you'll live on for someone else. you'll live on being so helpless because you know you couldn't change anything, no matter how hard you tried. and that's even worse, isn't it. time is really a silent killer. 

ignore me, tonight im just missing home.

特么的现在才出现

你常常不经意得说出这么一句『我还是不敢相信』『什么』『我们竟然有天会在一起』我微笑转头看左边咻过的车子，谁也没想过吧。

坐在塔塔家的花圃中，我睁大眼睛对你傻笑说『没有那回事』，你把我记在心上。圣诞节游行的那一年，我把手挡在额头上看你在车边手忙脚乱，你却没放在心上。我独自在大雨中回家，压力很大乱发脾气中你说了句『妹妹』，我把这记在心上。你担心我情绪不稳定，上课好帅气地递了famous amos过来，我却没放在心上。身为一个朋友，我爱了你三年；身为一个朋友，你护了我三年，但是谁也没想过会走到今日这步。

你常常说以前我们的距离好遥远，我却不以为然。在好久的以前，甚至看你的第一眼我就已经把你当家人。你的名字很常出现在晚餐的饭桌上；你生日我想帮你做很白目的礼物，只为了看你无可奈何的表情我就开心；即便不是你的天使也硬硬要写字条，当年新年你画给我的对联我还收着，真的是有够丑哈哈。

你常常说以前我们的距离好遥远，我却不这么觉得。在当时的情况，没有人相信没有人支持，甚至背后插一刀的大把，而我还必须每天微笑祝福装傻的情况，唯有你是站在我这里没有怀疑过我。即便你没说过什么，但是我知道你心疼我。我看着你的脸庞，我知道这会是永远，我只是不知道会是这么个永远。

那晚的花圃，谢谢你没有说出真心话；那晚的花圃，谢谢我没有说出真心话，即便兜了一大圈，我也愿意。在我们的青春里，有一段时间当面子书刚刚开始盛行，经典语录与文学气质称霸整个文字网络的时候，我们都爱写状态。年幼青涩年少无知的我曾经写下这么一句话『有天，若我男朋友真的出现了，我一定狠狠扫他一巴掌，问他为什么现在才出现』非常的丢脸和幼稚。但是今日的我，看着你坐在我旁边，很认真地在参加祷告会，紧闭的眼睛眼睫毛晃呀晃，我却想说『亲爱的，谢谢你特么现在才出现』。

我真的不能想象，若自己在不太懂爱的年纪里遇到你，要怎么待你才好？我真的无法想象，若自己在还不愿付出妥协时遇到你，要怎么伤你才好？我真的难以想象，若自己在还不能勇敢的时候遇到你，要怎么对你才好？

现在的我们，看见月亮漂亮就溜出去看星星，你提着汉堡包出现在门口等着我冒着生命危险开电门，我却是如此的安心。我看着四周的草地问我们要坐哪里，你打开后车厢说就这里啊，我心里一阵暖意这么简单朴素的你真棒。汉堡包吃得手粘粘的，我往你身上沾啊沾擦啊擦，你也只是没好气的说『怎么样，嘴巴干净了没』。现在的我们，能够自然地坐在客厅包少团的情人节礼物，看着你手很不巧地想办法把那三粒巧克力拿下，真的好可爱。你看到我妈妈和妹妹为了抢电脑打闹，也能笑得很开心，仿佛就已经是家人。我妹妹的一句话，你就买回来了冰淇淋，我妈妈一句话，你就来了要帮忙挂灯笼。

现在的我们，不用再掩护着自己的情感，不用在你看着我的时候，收起我眼角的笑意，故意翻白眼只为避开你的视线。

我常常想，或许有很多事情早就已注定。只是等着大家说开来，等着哪天天气好，觉得岁月静好，就轻轻在我还你车钥匙时握起我的手，抱着胖王抱着披萨抱着告白词出现在我门口，被我逼着深情念出台词，没好气得在我头上磨蹭问我好不好。或许，一切都早已经注定，在圣诞节游行你替我撑着雨伞的时候，在机场你替我边拉行李边神魔的时候，在你压力很大我陪你吃三文鱼的时候，在我吃饭你替我卷起衣服长袖的时候，在塔塔生日花圃中两个人不语望着那黑夜的星星的时候，或许，一切早已经注定。

亲爱的，我的哥哥，谢谢你，直到现在才说出了真相。谢谢你，等了我这么久。谢谢你，在我最美的年纪才牵起我的手。

谢谢你，特么的现在才出现nosepick，情人节乐乐啾。

倘若有天我们不再联络

若有天，我们不再联络，请你不要难过。

其实，感情能有多坚固。我在这里，你在那里；若有天我关了面子书关了微信，你还能找到我吗，若有天你不再在insta发照片不再发状态，我还能找到你吗？这么偌大的世界，圈子其实也只有那么小。如果你有了新朋友，如果我在你的微信话栏渐渐被挤到最底端，如果你有天偶然往下划看到久违的我的名字，请你不要感伤请你不要难过，如果你有了新的欣赏的人，如果她好像也喜欢你，如果偶然对她说句暧昧的话突然想到很久没联络的我，请你不要感伤请你不要难过。

当初每天准时穿着校服在学校见面，我们理所当然的享受这份奢侈，有没有想过当大家分落在世界的各个角落时，想找个时间聚在一起是多么困难的事情。当初相望就能猜到对方在想什么的日子，我们安稳的平淡的快乐的，有没有想过或许有天我们会有没话说的一天。找话题太故意，像在努力化解彼此间的尴尬，努力为彼此早已经不在对方生活中的悲景找借口；不找话题心里又难受，曾几何时我们的距离是那么的遥远，要怎么面对这改变只因为我们曾经是那么的要好。如今资讯发达，航空技术日益进步，甚至大家已经准备好要搬去外太空生活的时代，一架飞机一张飞机票一个行李就能见到在那里的你，其实还是好远对吧。

我们没有在一起，你却支撑了我整个青春，在这里我感谢你，青春里有你是莫大的恩典。即便结尾不完美不漂亮甚至带点感伤，我也谢谢你。但是，亲爱的，那只是青春。今天我们步入20，走出了所谓高中时期的青春，即便难过我也得说『我已经不在你的生活里』。每天中午午休陪你吃饭的已经不是我，能够一起讨论同样的功课的日子不再有，现在的我不能明白你那个课的老师有多欠扁因为我不在，现在的你不能知道我那个班上的男生有多帅因为你不在。你提醒着我在吉隆坡要节省，你却不知道我其实对理财已经很拘谨；我跟你说着明天考试要加油，我却不知道明天那科其实是你最轻松的科。你回复我我『没事明天的很容易』后面加个笑脸的时候，其实你很难过吧，只是不愿我难受所以苦撑了个微笑。其实我们都知道，之间多了礼貌，拘谨和尴尬。我们已经没办法完全的参与对方的生活，这是最实在的事实即便我们谁也不愿接受即便我们谁也没有想过。

记者问珍妮弗·安妮斯顿关于她与布莱德·皮特十年前离婚之事。她微笑说『其实我不觉得难过，只是媒体夸张化了，因为标题很吸引人』并说『我们彼此祝福，但是这并不是个频繁的事情』。近日小S和黄子佼在康熙来了上演了世纪大和解，大家都为他们开心的同时，小S老公老公许雅钧的心情也备受关注。他大方送上支持，也说两人恢复朋友关系总比交恶好，但希望双方私下还是少有接触比较好；黄子佼在录影结束后也表明，如果没有特别的事情，未来一样不会刻意和她保持联系。这样正正好吧，不刻意联络，不为什么，只因为彼此已经有自己的生活，彼此只是对方的过去只是对方的青春，太多的刻意只会太刻意。

所以我亲爱的，请你原谅我不再联络你，不要认为我喜新厌旧不要认为我们已经不是朋友，只是我不愿再提醒你这伤疤。有些联络，联络不起；有些关心，关心不起；有些话，我实在没这个立场说了。永远不要以为我嫌你烦，永远不要以为我故意冷落你，永远不要以为我们不再是朋友，永远不要有你在打扰我生活这种狗屁念头，想发微信来的时候尽管发我永远都在，只是请原谅我已经没办法完全参与你的生活。青春的暧昧青春的暗恋，就像是份青春未完成的功课，拖着不好草草做了交上也不会得到好成绩，不如就淡忘吧，反正老师已经不愿意再批改。但是请你不要感伤请你不要难过。即便今日我生日你没能到场祝福我只能在我的面子书上的生日照片下按个赞，也请你坚信我生日愿望第一个就是祝你安好；即便今日我不再主动联络你告诉你我今天吃了什么睡得好不好，也请你坚信我每晚上的灵修祷告中都纪念着你在那里的一切。有些主动太刻意，我就不主动了；有些关心太暧昧，我就不关心了，尊重你的她也尊重我的他。下次见到你，我还是会打从心底开心问你过得好不好。

即便有天我们不再联络，请你不要感伤不要难过，请坚信，我每晚跪在床前祈祷你安好。

有些关心，小声些正正好。