everyone has their own checklist of desirable attributes for their potentially to-be-boyfriend/girlfriend. don't lie, we all do. i've never imagined someone to love another person without conditions, other than our parents. some checklist are long, some might be short. we don't actually write them in black and white but somehow while lining the boundaries between just-friends or maybe-to-be-boyfriend/girlfriend, we eventually seek help from our checklist.
by checklist, i don't mean '1. hot 2. tall'. by that i mean well maybe you like someone with a giving heart. and of course you still have friends who aren't specifically giving but have other great personalities, you can deal with them and hang out with them. picking friends normally aren't that exquisite, ok maybe picking a good friend is, but when it comes to choosing someone to spend for your life, we often have our own few little..shall i say, conditions.
and it was those conditions which created a dividing line between two completely different relationships--just friends or potentially boyfriend/girlfriend. when you encounter a total stranger who is sweet and caring but maybe a little too flirty, and if you're a person who doesn't like flirty girls, you eventually list her in the 'just-friend-list', you never think out of the box after that. it helps when we're deciding whether to take a step forward or to take a step backward. in my opinion, i don't believe in pure relationship between opposite sexes. ok i once did. but that particular friend who held my belief for three years broke it. and now i've not only lost a friend but a good one. not that i say you can't fall in love with your best friend, because that, i imagine, might be the best relationship that i could ever ever think of. and if you're that one lucky person, i envy you for that.
we kept our little checklist, we held it like a possession, we treasure it for what's in it particularly plans our entire future. some maybe randomly trash, some maybe stupidly unacceptable but that's us. and it was our choice. but given time, when we grow a little older and little wiser, we stopped and took a look at our checklist and wondered. what if what we've been searching for all this while aren't the right thing. or what if this person standing right next to us doesn't make it through half of the checklist and our faith started to fade. we're scared. what if this forever isn't a forever.
and to make it worse, someone close actually question your checklist. it has to be someone who is important enough to make us feel bad or that we have done something wrong. for instance.. our mom. it was her who is around us all these years, it was her who brought us here, it was her who taught us to be the person we are today. if she says something's wrong, doesn't that just evidently label it wrong for infinity. but what if, just what if, it is something that we wanted to prove right.
never have i thought something could be this helpless. as if everyone is standing by the bank watching you drowning in fear and unsure, no one is helping. if you successfully climbed up the bank, they said well you're lucky. but if you didn't, they're be watching with their noses up high and said well it was your choice. as if everyone is watching you, hoping for you to get hurt or to regret just to rub their noses in it and said 'see, i told you so.'
the path ahead seemed dark and helpless. no that it doesn't have any hope in it but too many decisions to make. too many 'what if' to deal if. sometimes i got so frustrated that i could kill myself. but in other times i wondered, i just have to wait, like a good girl. but what if the other significant person couldn't wait no longer and it was heart that i couldn't bear to break. it's not something that we could control and it's not something that a person could make decisions on individually. and what if...this whole thing was a mistake from the beginning. or what if we just think that because we're too afraid of making any decisions, not to mention hurting someone important.
as bestie said, we can't control our feelings but it's the decision that we have to make so that less people will get hurt. if there is to be a party to get hurt in this situation, i'd rather it be me.
everyone has a checklist. some on it comes and some on it goes. it's not for infinity. maybe someone makes it ten out of ten but still can't bring you happiness. maybe some only makes it one out of ten but still loves you for all he has.
but everything...is just a maybe.
and today i just have a few words to say.
